I think I’m sad

I think I'm sad - Because I am never satisfied and I always feel like a fraud or an intruder      everywhere.

I am aware that there is a name for it, but just because I know it is called "Impostor Syndrome" does not get me anywhere...

And just because I know that I have a problem ... and that a lot of it is nonsense ... that does not help me either.

Am I writing this in English so people think I am cool, or because the words just flow better off my fingers? 

Because then they feel like they belong to someone else? 

Because I can hide behind that and pretend that these are not my words... they are in English after all... so they cannot be mine, right? And it is cool, too. 

Maybe..

So it is a win win... 


Why do I feel like I do not belong anywhere?

Why do I procrastinate on things for so long because I am afraid of doing something wrong, or because someone might think I have no idea what I am doing?

What is broken inside of me that makes me think so poorly of myself and where does it come from?

Why is it so hard to talk about it?

Sure, because I cannot find the words to tell people what I am thinking, but that also just feels like an excuse.

Because on one hand I know I am good with words, and on the other hand I sit here and cannot get any out.

I want to do so much at the same time that I effectively do nothing, because, as soon as the first hurdle appears, I escape from one "problem/project" to the next just to feel like I am making progress.



Do I want to be the guy who has an online shop for non-alcoholic alternatives?

Yes, absolutely. 

I want to live that! 

I want to be the go-to guy for it.

I want people to think of me when they are debating whether to get drunk tonight or rather enjoy the day differently.

And through that, I want people to think I am cool.





Do I want to be the guy who has his own clothing brand?

Yes, absolutely. 

I want to live that. 

I want to be the guy where people think "cool clothes, where do I get those?"

I want people to spend their money on my clothes. 

I want people walking around with my logo on their chest.

But I also know that even if people say "Cool cap. Can you buy it?", people do not give a fuck when you actually can buy it. 

People do not care about me... But I want a clothing brand so that they will.

And through that, I want people to think I am cool.





Or do I rather want people to know that I am pretty good at drawing?

Yes, absolutely. 

I want to live that! 

I want to be the artist.

I am the annoying guy who says "Yeah, I really cannot do this" and people still think I have talent. 

Then I want everyone to see it and I want to conquer the world. 

The hobby that used to calm my mind has turned into the biggest stress I have ever put on myself. 

6 pictures a week. 

Screw fun and joy. 

Just getting pictures done. 

Planning the post on ALL platforms. 




I WANT TO BE SEEN. 





I want people to know that I AM CAPABLE OF SOMETHING...

And through that, I want people to think I am cool.





And yet, I cannot do any of it.

Chess, triathlon, CrossFit... you name it.



I can do it better than most, but I CANNOT DO IT.

And I CANNOT BE BAD (or worse than others) AT THINGS THAT I LIKE DOING!






You got a new hobby?

How about you put a disproportionate amount of time into it so you can finally make money off it and achieve... something!

How about you strip all the fun out of it and completely ruin something you found so cool, and everyone just sees that you started something once again only to quit right away, because you are looking for the light like a moth... 

Only if you constantly fly from light source to light source, eventually you are so wrecked that it feels like your body is going to shatter if you keep going even a little bit longer. 

But... But how are people supposed to know how cool I am then? 

I do so much and I overdo it and I ruin my hobbies.

And through that, I want people to think I am cool.






But what do I get out of it?

Except for the realization that it is all nonsense?







Nothing. 





A bunch of bad thoughts.






An even worse understanding of "success" and eternal dissatisfaction. 




Perfect.




And all of this just because I want people to think I am cool.








Like back in the day. 

When I could at least do one thing halfway decently: playing hockey...

I do not need to go and psychoanalyze my own childhood right now.

I do not need anyone else for that either.

I know that hearing "Yeah, it was okay..." after the best game of my season somehow motivated me in an obscene way back then, but it permanently destroyed my mindset around performance.

I






cannot











do
anything










for
fun!



That does not work. 



I need goals.

Something measurable.




And that is why CrossFit is also kind of a weird sport for me.

Sure... you can measure progress, but the nature of the competitions is such that I somehow cannot take them seriously.

Especially after the "Competition Workshop" that I took.

I do not know why...



Sure, I also have my rituals and things I always do beforehand. 
I have things that I eat and drink... 
But that is because I have been playing sports my whole life. 
I have sports rituals.



I do not know what it is, but something, maybe the fact that you do not know what you have to do until 2 days before, makes me unable to take the sport seriously.. 



And not in a "hehe haha the sport is for idiots" kind of way.



The people who do it are ALL beasts. 
And probably 98% more hardcore than me, too. 
That is not the point.



But I cannot bring myself to warm up like the others do. And to take the whole thing so "seriously".

I "can" do it and I know what I need, but since that looks different for me than for others... it feels wrong.

I want to compete. So that people think I am cool...

It is kind of nonsense.

I never wanted to compete. I was perfectly fine with slowly getting better and maybe doing things right at some point.

Then I got asked if I wanted to fill in... and I like competitions way too much to not say yes to that.

I know sports. I get sports. I know my body.

But why do I still think even there that I can let others tell me what to do?? 
(Not regarding technique. Regarding weights and intensity...)

Nobody knows my body as well as I do.

I have been through a whole lot with it. 
Nobody knows what is going on.

And still...




I am stuck.




And that also explains the constant stress in my body.



I cannot find any peace.

I always have to do 3 things at once.


Listening to podcasts on double speed so I do not miss anything and to work through my queue and to always be able to have an answer for everything.

I MUST know everything and I MUST be able to do everything.

That is neither doable, nor good for me.


I   cannot   enjoy     anything         anymore.




I read a lot just so I can see on my app how much I have read.

Everyone and their mother reads 17 books a month. I read one? 



What                 a          loser.




I want to show people that I am an intellectual, that I read a lot. 
But really I am just looking at pages. 


I am reading            so I can turn pages.


And through that, I want people to think I am cool.






And that is so stupid.

I KNOW THAT.




But that does not mean that I can handle it, or that I can change anything.

pls help. I am lost. 



so           fucking                           lost